i'm staring at myself in the rear view mirror in the back seat on grey leather in someone's car who i met last night, and i think

'i wonder when i will start to develop wrinkles'.

i don't think i frown enough or make facial expressions that require raising or 'furrowing' my brow for it to be any time in the near-ish future.

i am starting to carve laugh lines at each side of my mouth. i think maybe that's a good sign because i smile or laugh often.

i like this thought.

anyway, i'm staring at myself.

i'm fixated on my reflection.

the front windows are down and it's so bright and i forgot my sunglasses and i'm sort of squinting but trying to force myself not to so i don't get crow's feet wrinkles at the edges of my eyes.

wrinkles.

i watch myself smoke.

i watch the smoke come out of my mouth as i exhale.

i wonder if i look 'cool' while i'm smoking.

why do parents always say that people smoke to be 'cool'.

i think how ridiculous that sounds.

i take my eyes off the tiny rendering of my face to look at you out of the corner of my eye.

you're looking out the window at corn fields.

there are so many corn fields here.

i feel stupid.

i look at myself again.

i think i look pretty, sort of, but my eyes are swollen and smoky from chlorine and crying like a god damned baby.

last night you said 'your eyes look smoky. you look pretty', and i was wearing a black one-piece bathing suit i had borrowed that crossed my chest at a straight line and banded around the tops of my arms.

i went inside to go to the bathroom and after peeing looked in the mirror and thought 'i look pretty'.

my mascara had smudged around my eyelids and below my lower lashes when we were in the pool kissing and playing games and splashing around like idiots.

someone had brought their cup of keg beer into the pool.

pool water got into it when she wasn't looking.

i was sitting at the lip of the pool.

i murmured something to you about the pool water in the beer.

you said

'she won't even notice'.

she drank her beer.

she didn't notice.

i wonder if drinking chlorine water is bad.

i feel good because my hair is wet and you told me that i looked pretty.

i feel pretty.

the cranberries float across the pool.

'zombie'.

i begin to sing loudly.

i am drunk.